When my husband goes out to shoot gigs in the evening I take the opportunity to watch a particularly girlie movie that he doesn’t enjoy as much. It was on one of these nights that I watched “The Vow” in which a young wife looses all memory of the last few years of her life, including any memory of her husband, who then tries to make his wife fall in love with him again.
It got me thinking what it would be like if that happened to me. What if I woke up with the last 10 years wiped clean from my memory? What would the me of 10 years ago think of my life now? Would I be disappointed in how things turned out?
At 20 I had certain things I was expecting to happen in my life and certain ideas of what I thought was important.
It is no secret that I like to be in control, I believe that is one of the reasons I hate roller-coasters - the complete lack of control I experience; that and my unbelievable fear of heights. I have even tried to be in control of my husband’s career. If you are thinking that that sounds a little too controlling you would be absolutely correct, I was too controlling. In my finite wisdom, I thought that my plan for my husband’s career and for our future was perfect. Yet every suggestion I made and everything I attempted would fall short, hit a brick wall and come to nothing. One day I decided to make a deal with God, (I’m not sure if making deals with God is advised but I do believe He will meet us where we are and help when we go to Him with an honest and open heart). I told God that for a short while I was going to stop trying to control things and stop doing things my way.
It was really difficult for me to do but I submitted everything everyday to God. What I came to realize was that I didn’t actually trust God. I didn’t trust that He actually does want what’s best for us; I didn’t trust His plan was better than mine. Within a week of me giving up my “control” I began to see God’s hand in my husband’s career. He had already opened up opportunities that I never could have orchestrated.
If I woke up with no recollection of the last 10 years and looked at my life now, I’m not sure if I would be delighted or disappointed. I do know that each hardship I have endured has made me the person I am and each decision made has led me to this point. I also know that there is amazing freedom in losing my control over everything and submitting it to God and trusting that His ways are higher than ours and He ultimately knows best.
